


Reassure Me

by Lillupad



Category: The Bright Sessions (Podcast), The Infinite Noise - Lauren Shippen
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:49:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27652973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lillupad/pseuds/Lillupad
Summary: Caleb goes over to Adam's house to work on an English paper. Adam didn't know he was already there. Caleb sees the scar on Adam's abdomen, panic ensues.It ends happy I promise. Caleb is a good boyfriend.
Relationships: Adam Hayes/Caleb Michaels
Kudos: 37





	Reassure Me

**Author's Note:**

> A scar from a suicided attempt is referenced in this. There is also talk of self hatred and fear of abonnement. Nothing gets too bad but be careful.

Caleb has been sitting at the desk in Adam’s room for about 10 minutes now. His computer is open in front of him but he hasn’t even touched the document for his essay on the hidden meaning behind The Lottery. Adam had agreed to help him with it but he had just gotten into the shower when Caleb got to his house. Caleb blissfully ignores his homework to focus on the feeling of relaxed contentment coming from Adam as the only other person in the house. It's calming, sitting in a quiet room filled with the distant emotions of a peaceful person.   
It's blue. A lighter blue than what normally blankets Adam, temporary and happy. Caleb is thinking about how he wants Adam to feel like this more often when the color changes.   
A calm orange- acceptance   
A light gray- focused but zoned out. The sign of a repetitive or common task  
A dark orange. -annoyance. Caleb would call it blood orange if he didn’t think that was the stupidest name for a color ever.  
The orange gets less prominent as the colors get closer, but it hangs in the back.  
When the door opens Caleb really shouldn’t be as surprised as he is. Well, maybe he should be. His power may have given him a good heads up when it came to Adam getting closer to him but they couldn’t have told him Adam would walk in without a shirt on, a towel running through his hair.  
Adam freezes in the doorway and for a split second all the colors coming from him blink out. Then they’re quietly replaced with   
A sharp yellow- panic   
A sticky pink- embarrassment   
A pointy black- reoccurring fear  
There’s more but Caleb tries to shut them down after the first wave hits him. All he can think is why until his eyes land on the line of deep scar tissue across Adam’s abdomen.   
He knew it was there, in theory, but he’s never actually seen it. There’s a big difference between hearing about something that hurts you to the bone and seeing the evidence of it.   
Adam is fast enough to cover his stomach with the towel before Caleb really processes how big the scar is. One hand with the towel in it clenched over the scar, the other still on the door handle with a white knuckle grip.   
The yellow and black collide and for the first time in a while Caleb finds the color analogy to be lacking until a wave of deep blue covers everything. A thick, dark blue. One that speaks of such an overwhelming sadness that Caleb feels like his life just reached a tragic end as soon as it hits him.  
“Caleb! You- I- I’m sorry” Adam finally lets go of the door handle to walk backwards and hit into the door frame, curling in on himself while standing.   
“What? Hey, no Adam, why are you apologizing?” Caleb can’t process everything that is happening but he finds himself standing with his hands held out in front of him, reaching for Adam.   
Adam curls into himself more, falling to the ground. “You shouldn’t have had to see that, I didn’t- please- I promise- that’s not me, that’s not me” It clicks then, for Caleb. He remembers what Adam said when he first told him about that scar, why he hadn’t told him before. The fear that Caleb would leave him because of it, think little of him, be disgusted by him. At the time Caleb had thought Adam had gotten rid of those irrational thoughts. He thought Adam understood just how impossible that was. But he was wrong and he can feel it now. He can feel just how much Adam believes that that is exactly what’s happening.  
“Hey, no, Adam” He kneels in front of him, still reaching out, but a new spike of panic runs through Adam so he drops his arm, sitting back on his heels.   
“Please don’t freak out, it's ok, everything is ok.” Caleb thought he had gotten better at speaking during emotional situations with the help of Dr. Bright but now all he could do is repeat everything everyone else says.   
“No, it looks bad. I look bad. You weren’t supposed to see this. Please- I-” Caleb can’t tell who’s heartbeat is taking over his brain until he realizes that “heartbeat” isn’t an emotion so it must be his.   
“Adam, it's ok, I already knew about it right? So why would this change anything. Adam, please look at me. It's ok” He knows that sounded shitty but Adam is reasonable, so reasoning but be the best way to calm him down, right?   
“But knowing and seeing aren’t the same. And now you- you- I- I’m sorry” Adam can’t seem to decide whether staring at the ground or drilling his eyes shut is the best option.   
“Adam, Adam, I love you, ok? This is part of you. It makes me sad to know you went-- go through this but I love you so, ok it scares me but it doesn’t scare me off. I love you, ….a lot…. Adam, please look at me.” There is it, words. Words that mean something. And, apparently, words that get through the hectic and spiky painting filling Adam.   
Adam looks up. The hand that at some point ended up gripping his own hair slowly lets go but the one tangled in the towel doesn’t seem to follow suit. He holds eye contact for a few seconds before he’s filled with a musty blue-gray, determined acceptance and he shakes his head. His eyes squeeze shut and the hand returns to his hair.   
“You love me now but nothing is stopping this from changing that. You can always realize I’m too much, too sad, too shut down and change your mind” The certainty behind those words scare Caleb more than he thought just words ever could.   
“Adam….. No….. I- I didn’t walk into this relationship thinking everything was going to be easy all the time. And I already knew you were sad, I mean, I wish everyday that I could change that, permanently, but I also wish I was small enough to fit into your sweatshirts so I could steal them. I know this isn’t going to be perfect and happy all the time, you don’t get everything you want in life. I’m not going to run away from you because a piece of you doesn’t fit into a movie qualifying relationship rubric. I love you, please understand that I love you. Like, really love you. It would take a lot to change that. I just need you here, everything else we can work through together.” Adam is staring at Caleb, tears starting to fall from his eyes, and if how blurry he looks tells Caleb anything it is that he is too.   
Adam lunges forward, nearly knocking Caleb onto his back. He hugs Caleb hard enough that it surprises him. Caleb puts his chin onto Adam’s head as he cries into his chest.  
He ends up sitting on the floor for over 10 minutes rubbing circles into Adam’s back, giving him time to calm down. When he lunged at Caleb, a set of new emotions had fought their way into the messes of sharp, sad ones.   
Soft, warm, pink- admiration   
Sunny yellow- happiness   
Pastel blue- overjoyed relief   
And now, as they lie half asleep on Adam’s bed almost 2 hours later, Caleb half covering Adam like a blanket, their emotions fall back into sync.   
A soft feeling of peace, a warm feeling of happiness, a light feeling of love, a heavy feeling of togetherness but all the same color,   
Green

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've ever written so, here its a present I guess :D


End file.
